Play for today?

                

Around Xmas time last year I wrote a wee play about mental health, music and much, much more (sorry, alliteration is a sickness...). I think if this piece had a subtitle it might be 'Waiting for Barlow'. Nothing much as happened with it so I thought I'd post it here for anyone who wants a look.  

'Tick Here' 

A short play 

for 6 actors

by

Rachel Fox

                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                                               
Setting

Five actors are lying on their backs on the stage. Their feet meet in the middle of the stage and they are spaced out in a circle like too many hands on a clock. The lights are low but spotlights shine on each one of the actors. Each one of the five is wearing a top (t-shirt/hoodie) in a different colour (one is in red, one blue, one purple, one green, one yellow).

                       

RED

              (singing)

Forget your troubles, come on, get happy.

          (short pause, more singing, a little louder)

Forget your troubles, come on, get happy.

              (long pause, more singing, louder again)

Forget your troubles, come on, get happy.

                        BLUE

              (impatient)

Do you not know the rest of that song?

                        RED

              (annoyed)

Of course I do.

                        BLUE

Why don’t you sing it then?

                        RED

Because I’m a broken record, didn’t you know? That’s my thing.

         

                        BLUE

Oh, my god, I said that one time!

                        PURPLE

I think you mean ‘once’. And you’ve said it loads of times.

                        BLUE

              (snide)       

So you’re saying I’m a broken record for saying Red’s a broken record?

                       

PURPLE

I believe I am.

                        BLUE

Well, that’s great. Thanks.

                        PURPLE

You’re welcome. I don’t see why you should get away with criticising Red. We’re all stuck here. None of us is any better than anyone else. Someone has to keep you under control.

                   BLUE

And it always (pauses) has to be you.

                   PURPLE

If the song fits…

                   BLUE

But they’re not even the right words to ‘Get Happy’! And is that really the best song to be singing? Here? Now? It’s crap enough just being here (spreads arms out) – we don’t have to turn it into some cheesy Andrew Lloyd Webber (waves arms) muuuusical shhhhhhow.

                   GREEN

I prefer ‘Get Happy’ to (warbles) ‘Memory’.

                   YELLOW

          (laughs)

Or (sings, in an exaggerated way)‘I wore my coat…’

                   GREEN

Don’t, don’t! That song is the worst! As if I’m not in enough pain.    

                   YELLOW

(singing) ‘Don’t cry for me…’?

                   GREEN

(giggling)

(singing) ‘Frank and Tina...’  

                   YELLOW

And I’ve never even seen (sings, over-dramatically) ‘The Phaaaantom of the Opera is’…

                   BLUE

          (tight-lipped)

And now you never will, I’m glad to say. You two can’t sing for coffee.

                   GREEN

          (laughing)

Now you’re criticising us too! You’re pathetic.

                   BLUE

          (deadpan)

We’re all pathetic.

          (silence)

RED

          (half sitting up, leaning on elbows)

So, anyone know any good jokes?

                   PURPLE

I think we know the answer to that.

                   RED

          (lying back down)

You know me – ever hopeful.

                   BLUE

Sometimes that’s you. Other times you think the world is coming to an end if anyone even dares to breathe near you.

                   GREEN

Well, isn’t it? And at least some of us have more than one mood. You’re just miserable and gloomy (spreads these last 3 words out in a droning voice) all… the… time.

                   BLUE

Show me something to be cheerful about, why don’t you? Got an exciting day planned? Going out to see the sights?

                  

GREEN

Well…(pause). It’s not raining. It’s worse when it’s raining.

                   YELLOW

Good point.

GREEN

And today my overall body pain is maybe only a 7 out of 10 so I am comparatively (sings – to Nina Simone tune) ‘feeling good’.

                   BLUE

          (sarcastic)

Your positivity is so charming.

                   YELLOW

(reaching a hand out towards GREEN)

You know I’d do something about the pain if I could.

                  

GREEN

I think we all want to help each other. It’s just so difficult.

                   BLUE

Speak for yourself. If I got a chance to get away from this stupid thing I would be off like the clappers, no looking back, no helping hand for anyone.

                   PURPLE

You say that. You think it makes you sound cool.

                  

BLUE

By this point we’re all a little past cool, don’t you think? And p.s. could you stop trying to get all the votes for class president or whatever it is you’re after? It’s not like we could even get to the ballot box. The only one of us that ever gets to move is that Orange idiot and what a waste of freedom they are.

ORANGE

(from one of the back rows of the audience)

     I can hear you, you know.

                        BLUE

See what I mean? Gets to swan about on legs and everything and does what with them? Sits up there listening to us in case we say anything a teensy weeny bit critical.

                   YELLOW

          (gently)

That attitude isn’t helpful.

                   BLUE

Boo hoo.

                   ORANGE

In fact it’s exactly that friendly, welcoming manner that keeps me over here.

                   PURPLE

How are you doing anyway? Seen anything interesting? Been anywhere?

   

ORANGE

          (staccato, twitchy)

I’ve thought about a few things, had a few plans. But it was all too much. (ORANGE looks distracted). Everything’s so expensive. And it takes so long to get anywhere. And everywhere’s too busy. So I just stayed here.

                   BLUE

(whines) ‘Don’t go breaking my heart…’

                  

GREEN

Elton John!

                  

                   YELLOW

Kiki Dee!

                   GREEN and YELLOW together

P-I-S-S-I-N-G!

          (RED, GREEN and YELLOW laugh)

                   BLUE

You should send that to Lloyd Webber. He might find a use for it.

                   GREEN

(sings) ‘We will, we will shock you!’

                   YELLOW

(sings)‘Mamma mia, here I go again… can’t stop, running to the toilet…’

                   PURPLE

I think that one needs a bit of work.

                   BLUE

Plus ‘Mamma Mia’ wasn’t a Lloyd Webber show.

                   GREEN

You’re quite the expert. Seen ‘Chess’ have we?

                   BLUE

That isn’t one of his shows either. Jesus.

                   RED

That was though – (sings) ‘Jesus Christ… superstar…’

                   GREEN and YELLOW

(sings) ‘Can’t change the tyres on my grandad’s car’.

                   RED

I just like songs. I’m not so fussed about who they’re by.

                   BLUE

Well, you say that but even you weren’t keen on that Gary Barlow when he was here last year.

                   RED

That’s true.

                   PURPLE

Yes, I think that’s one thing we can all agree on.

                   BLUE

              (dramatic, ghostly voice)

Nooooo Baaaaaarlooooow.

                   GREEN/YELLOW

              (in squeaky high voices)

(not sung) ‘Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it…’

                   RED

I once had a dream where Robbie Williams was a dog who kept trying to shag my leg (waves leg in the air).

                   GREEN

(sings ABBA’s) ‘I had a dream…’

                   RED

It was quite disturbing. And dreams mean so much here that it felt like a waste.

                   BLUE

I’ve had it with dreams. I would so love something real. Real food…

                   GREEN/YELLOW

(sing) ‘Food glorious food…’

                   BLUE

Anything. (calls up to ORANGE) Can’t you bring us something to eat? I can hardly remember what flavours feel like on my tongue.

                  

RED

You know we don’t get anything. Sometimes I understand why, sometimes I don’t.

                   YELLOW

I never understand anything. But I suppose at least we have each other.

                   BLUE

Oh, it’s quite the summer camp.

                   RED and GREEN

(sing ‘Dirty Dancing’ song, hold arms out) ‘I had the time of my life…’

                   BLUE

We get the point.

                   PURPLE

What would you rather we all do? Moan, moan and moan some more?

                   BLUE

Maybe we could try it… just once. See if it’s better than all the bloody singing.

                   ORANGE

Moaning is a really bad idea. It could all change at any time. You have to be ready, stay open to opportunity, be positive.

                   BLUE

I’m not sure I want to be lectured at by someone who has a way out and can’t even take it.

                   PURPLE

Leave Orange alone. What have they ever done to you?

                  

BLUE

Wasted a chance, that’s what! While we’re stuck here. It’s not fair.

                   ORANGE

I’m stuck too. It just looks different.

                   BLUE

It certainly does.

                   ORANGE        

You’re so sure of everything. I can’t imagine what that feels like. I’m never sure about anything.

                   BLUE

It’s easy. ‘Are you sure you can’t get up?’ I say to myself. And look (BLUE tries to lift their body up off the floor), nothing. Stuck here like a giant fridge magnet.

                   RED

I dream I get up sometimes. I’m running around like a little kid, skipping, jumping.

                   PURPLE

I think we all have those dreams.

                   BLUE

Not me. I’ve just switched off that bit of my brain.

                   GREEN

No dreams at all? (Giggles) Not even sexy ones?

                   BLUE

Especially not those. What’s the point?

                   YELLOW

Dreams don’t have a point.

                   BLUE

Well, they do actually. They’re just your brain sorting out all the stuff it’s done in a day and working it all through. But as we never do anything here there’s nothing to sort out is there?

              (A pause)

                   RED

You are the downer to end all downers.

              BLUE

No song? No peppy pick-me-up with a jaunty tune? No (sings) ‘Oh what a beautiful morning?’ No (sings)‘Hakuna matata’?

                   RED

No, I think maybe you have driven any last joy even from me today. (RED rolls over to face the floor)

                   BLUE

‘Today’? Like we can tell one day from another. When did we last see the sun? Or a proper night?

          (pause)

                   GREEN

How long do you think it’s been?

                   YELLOW

Thinking about that makes it worse, doesn’t it?

                   BLUE

Please tell me how this could be worse? Enlighten me! Really.

          (pause)

                   GREEN

I can’t even think of any more songs. I’m trying to think of one but there’s nothing.

                   YELLOW

Me neither. Usually my head is full of them but I’ve nothing.

             

                   PURPLE

Well done, Blue. Another successful intervention.

                   BLUE

This is hardly my fault. I’m just honest, more honest than the rest of you.

                   ORANGE

Yes, you fill our tortuous time with all that refreshing, scintillating honesty. We’re so grateful.

                   BLUE

Oh, come on! Can’t you just (with sarcasm) ‘pack up your troubles and just get happy’? Can’t you ‘chase all your cares away’? What’s wrong with you all? What a bunch of losers (laughs)– no wonder you ended up here! This is the promised land, didn’t you know? This is exactly what we were promised. We just didn’t believe it. We thought there was no way it could be this crap. But it is.

                   ORANGE   

But you can’t leave it like that. There are people watching us, hoping for signs, wanting answers, wanting endings.

                   BLUE

What people? I don’t see any people.

                   ORANGE

Here, look! (ORANGE moves along a row, faces of the audience showing in the spotlight) They can’t just leave here, get on the bus, go home to bed and think about this… How depressing!

                  

PURPLE

They can go to the bar, I suppose.

                   BLUE

They’ve probably already been. I could never get through anything in the theatre without a few drinks inside me.

                   YELLOW

We’re in a theatre?

                   RED

Is it ‘Black Mirror’? Are we in ‘Black Mirror’?

ORANGE

I don’t know. The audience seem kind of live. (ORANGE pokes an audience member)

                   YELLOW

You’re with real people? I’m so jealous.

                   ORANGE

Well, you’re down there with all the others. That makes me jealous. Crowds of strangers just make me anxious.

                   BLUE
Everything makes you anxious.

                   ORANGE

Yes, except you, you just make me sad.

                   BLUE

You’re a nervous wreck.

                   ORANGE

You’re a miserable bastard.

                   YELLOW

I’m nervous and miserable. What does that make me?

                   BLUE
Sometimes I wish I’d just said yes to ‘Big Brother’. It might have been more entertaining.

                   PURPLE

I think that’s the only show that’s not been made into a musical.

                   BLUE

I think you’ll find there was one in development a few years ago…

                   RED

I still can’t think of any tunes – not one. It’s like someone has sucked them all out of my head with a vacuum cleaner. Can anyone remember that Monty Python song? Something about life?

                   GREEN

Or some Proclaimers? They always used to cheer us up.

                   YELLOW

It’s true. I’m getting nothing. It’s like talk radio in my head.

                   BLUE

Now there’s a bad memory.                  

                   PURPLE

But, you see, Blue, the days are different from each other after all. This, apparently, is the day we lost music.

          (long pause)

                   BLUE

It’s funny. I kind of miss the songs now they’re gone.

                   PURPLE

Even the crap ones?

                  

BLUE

Maybe.

                   GREEN

Even the ones by Gary Barlow?

                  

BLUE

There’s no need to get carried away. I still have some standards.

                        YELLOW

     So what do we do now? I feel so empty.

                        PURPLE

Poetry it is then… I’ll start, shall I?